I picked up my 11-month-old, 22 pound twin boy this morning. He’s walking now, and isn’t so much of a baby anymore. My heart hurt to think that he would be my last. But, as I looked at him and kissed his squishy little face, I was lead to say out loud:
“You will be my last baby”.
It’s hard for me to even believe that I am saying those words. My twins were my last babies…my little man, was my last baby. It’s something I have never admitted whole heartedly before. Something I never WANTED to admit.
After I had the twins, something in me always said that they wouldn’t be my last. I know… I already have four little ones and people think I’m crazy for even saying that. But, I’ve always loved being pregnant and having kids.
With the birth of the twins turning out less ideal, to say the least, than I wanted into, my competitive nature wanted to have one more in order to end my births with a birth plan that I wanted.
Was that fair though?
I shared a little bit last week about how I had stopped enjoying motherhood. So, how could I sit there and still think that it would be fair of me to have another child?
It’s easy to sit back and say that maybe, just maybe, having another baby would “fix” the feelings I had about motherhood. It would help heal all of the wounds that had been created from my unwanted c-section. It would bring back the “old me”.
Listen, we all know that none of that is true.
While having another child might help to heal the wounds of birth plans that didn’t go as planned, like all of those stories you hear of VBACs that I just love to read, for me, it isn’t in the cards.
I have been blessed with four beautiful babies. As a 26-year-old woman, I see those four children and my marriage as some of my greatest accomplishments in life.
There are still days where I feel like I could continue having children. When other people announce that they are having babies, it’s like something goes off that says, “Your turn again!”.
I have always felt like I take after my mom in this way. She birthed 10 on her own, and is undoubtedly one of the strongest women I know because of that. I won’t be going to 10 though.
I know now that four is my stopping point. Four is the number that completed our family.
There will still be moments when I go back to this day and long for another baby. I will miss feeling and enjoying my baby (or babies) grow inside of me. I will miss the strength and pure euphoria that I got after naturally birthing my children.
But, we are done. That season of life is over for me.
So now, I am going to sit here and pack up some baby things for my sweet friend who is having her first daughter. I am going to be thankful when others have the chance to give before and become parents, grateful that I get the opportunity to be there with advice if they ask, and honored to be the mother of my four, amazing children.
To my sweet little Oliver, my only boy and my youngest gift, you will be my last baby.
*Here’s to all of our children, one of life’s most precious gifts*
I’m glad you’re coming to grips with what happened during your last kiddo’s birth–because it isn’t about HOW they get here. It’s about GETTING them here.
I’m coming from the other side of motherhood–the part where you need to think about launching them into the world. I have a 17 year old, and yes, I’m freaking out about letting go of him, but kids just get more fun as they age. Don’t be sad that your babies are growing up, be happy that they’re turning into amazing people.
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I love looking at it like that!;)
Wow this gave me goosebumps. Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your real and open feelings. I have a few friends I will be sharing this with. Thank you
Thank you so much! xoxo
Each stage of motherhood is beautiful. Enjoy those babies of yours while they are little. You may be saying goodbye to one phase but, each is as special as they grow. It’s awesome to help those just starting their journey into motherhood too. Have a great week ahead.
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Not having had kids I am not in touch with some of the feelings you share but I can only imagine. Having just been at the graduation of two of my best friends kids it was brought home how fast it all goes. Treasure every moment.
I knew I was done after having my girl… however sometimes I think I could have had one more.. but my hubby and I are a bit older so we are done with two!
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I keep going back and forth… but then I look at my FOUR children and I’m like, “I’ll just hold someone else’s newborn.” haha.
We are done too… In the military, we travel too much and we would have to cut trips to see family the more kids we had. We each had a son and then we had our daughter together. It was perfect. We waited about a year to make the final call, but I knew when she was born (we didn’t know the sex til then) that she completed our family.
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It’s interesting, I feel like I’m almost in the opposite boat as you. I know I want another baby, but as the mom of only one right now, it makes me sad to think about her not being my baby one day. Obviously she is no longer a baby anymore, but right now it’s just the two of us so much of the time, it’s hard to imagine having another little person there.
Beautiful piece, Joanna, and thank you for your candor once again! <3
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Aww, Joanna. I understand this bittersweet phase. My husband and I have two children, and originally we were planning to have a third. But then I got cold feet and decided that our two beautiful daughters were enough to fill our hearts with joy. You are so blessed to have four gorgeous little ones!
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transparency is therapeutic….love this
So bittersweet. I know I don’t feel done but after a difficult pregnancy and birth, I may be so I treat these days with my daughter like it could be the last time I get to experience them. It’s happy but oh so sad at the same time.
It is such a hard decision to make. My youngest is just 9 months old and I am still not sure if he is my last baby yet. For now I will just soak up all those firsts and enjoy every second.
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I know this is an old post but I feel compelled to comment. I came across this article and had to read it since I am currently having my last baby. I am 40 years old and after my twins, which made five children for me, I always said they were my last and that I looked forward to grandchildren, one day in the far off future. I had my first son at 18, first daughter at 21, another daughter at 25 and twin girls at 28. I felt complete but it was a little sad thinking that I would never experience another pregnancy, newborn, the toddler stage, and so on, again. Well 12 years later, with two grown children, three still at home, I decided one more. This is my very last baby…finally another baby boy! The boys will be 22 yrs apart!! As crazy as it seems, I am so excited to start all over. Do what is right for you and your family, whether that’s done at 4 or wanting and having another. Thank you for the great read! Much love to you and yours!
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing that! I am 28 now, and had my twins at 26. I do feel those little “pokes” every now and again about not having anymore children. My husband and I have talked about adopting in the future as well, so I can’t say that all of my baby dreams are gone:) We have very similar stories and I am so glad that you stopped by! I look forward to chatting with you again.
We said the same as our family blended 1 boy each we have now a 25-year-old 24-year-old 10 years old all boys and the oldest medically fragile. So never say never and last pregnancy was so hard at age 35-year-old but he is such a joy.
This article made me cry! I just had my 2nd baby this time a boy . I have a 4 year old girl . My hubby and I always had in mind just 2 kids and we are sticking to that idea. He got his vasectomy just 2 weeks ago. When he arrived home after his surgery we both just starred at each other. He asked me “are you feeling like I’m feeling” and I said ” yes, I think so” we both felt this bittersweet feeling. I don’t know how to explain it, but it STILL feels like our heart wanted another baby but our mind knew it was not a good idea. I had a very rough pregnancy with placenta previa that ended up with an emergency c section. At the end of the day we feel we made the right decision. Is just that weird feeling of just thinking you’re done! No more babie ,no more pregnancies . This season is over!
I am having a hard time with this thought myself. My husband keeps saying no more… And he is adamant about it. My heart keeps wanting Just ONE more…and has since I had my daughter 3 years ago. I’m trying to tell myself that she is my LAST baby, but Its not working. I just don’t know how to get my heart and head in the same spot as my husbands.