Hello everyone! Yes, you read that title right. Today we are chatting with an excellent writer, Lisa Kerr, on a topic that she has covered frequently in her writing.
I can’t speak for all women, but I can speak for those that I have talked to and for myself personally. Sex after having a baby is a difficult subject to think about, much less talk about or actually participate in.
I asked Lisa to answer some reader questions on this subject, since I am extremely modest when it comes to this particular topic. When I say modest, I mean I can hardly talk about it using the proper terms to my own husband. 🙂 I knew she would do an amazing job providing some really helpful info to all of us ladies out there!
Let’s Talk About Sex: Q & A With Sex Writer, Lisa Kerr
I was invited by Joanna to talk about sex, and I’m so excited! I’m a sex writer (yes, I wrote that!) who happened to fall in love not too long ago. Although some of my wild days are behind me, I still have a lot to say about the subject of sex. I think a woman’s enjoyment of sex can be as crucial to her happiness and well-being as anything else. I also think sexual fulfillment is just as important for women as it is for men, and sex also has a lot of added benefits besides pleasure (including boosting your immunity).
And now for your questions!
Reader Question: What can I say to my significant other to help him understand my feelings about sex and how it’s different for me since having a baby?
LK: It’s hard for me to say since I don’t know exactly how your feelings have changed and I don’t know your significant other, but honesty is always the best policy. Be open and honest and let your significant other ask questions. Talk about what you like and don’t like post-baby so he’s aware of it and can adjust accordingly. He may very well have questions, too. After all, sex after baby is new to him, too, and chances are he wants to be sensitive to your needs. Contrary to popular belief, not all men think about sex every seven seconds. Some men enjoy cuddling and romance as much (if not more) than women.
Just as important, spend time with your body to see what you do enjoy. When I was twenty five, I really came alive sexually and started allowing myself to enjoy sex. I did what any single girl who likes sex did: bought a vibrator and tried to discover what I liked. At the time I focused more on vaginal orgasms, but it’s important not to overlook the clitoris, since it plays an important role in sex. The clitoris has similar characteristics as the penis. According to Dr. Ruth,“Blood flows into the clitoris, and in order for a woman to have an orgasm, there must be lubrication in the vagina, but also the clitoris must get erect.” It’s crucial right now for you to focus on your body (and your clitoris) because chances are you may still enjoy a lot about sex; just in different ways than before.
Communication in bed is important, too. If something hurts or feels uncomfortable, speak up during sex so your partner is aware of it. Your partner loves you, so he’ll want to make sure he isn’t causing you pain. Verbalizing it is the only way he’ll know. Men can’t read our minds. Once you find out what you do like now, ask for it. If you want more post-coital cuddles, put that on the menu. If you just can’t handle any nipple touching, tell him to lay off. Just because you once enjoyed having sex a certain way doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind about it.
Make sure to tell your partner what you loved about sex, too. If the way he stroked your back with his fingertips while you were bent over drove you a little crazy (in a good way), then say something! If the best part of sex was the part where he put his arms around you and kissed you on the forehead, then tell him that.
Reader Question: How do I keep the fire lit when it feels like it’s burnt out?
LK: Good communication truly is key and having an understanding partner works wonders, too. If you communicate how you feel, chances are he may feel the same way. He might even have ideas to bring things back to where they were.
Relationships go through phases and it’s okay for you to be in this phase. Relax and let yourself be human. Maybe the fire went out somewhere between the honeymoon stage and real life. There isn’t anything wrong with that, and as my mom said recently, “We can’t all live in a fairy tale all the time.” Real life and real love isn’t a fairy tale and it won’t always be perfect. Despite the fact that you think your friend and her husband’s relationship and sex life is perfect, it’s not. Most relationships have ebbs and flows, and that means everyone’s sex life has ups and downs, too.
To get back to where you were before, one way is to surprise your partner with something. The element of surprise can be very sexy, whether the surprise is sexual in nature or not. Do something adventurous. Be spontaneous. Another way is to talk about sex. Bring up the topic and talk about something you’ve always wanted to try. Lastly, try to recreate what you two had before the fire went out. Did you used to snuggle a lot? Was there a lot of touching? Tell your partner you miss that. Plan a night away from the house and your normal routine to do something romantic. Or plan a night away without the kids where you can share a bottle of wine in bed and just talk. Sometimes it’s those little moments that can rekindle the spark that was once there.
I’ve enjoyed being here to answer your questions! If you have other questions about sex, feel free to email Joanna with them so I can answer them in the future. You can also check out my blog at lisakerr.net for more like this.
I am so glad that Lisa was able to join us over here at Motherhood and Merlot for this topic that all of us deal with, but rarely talk about:)
If you have more questions for Lisa, you can email them or post them in the comments below.
*Heres to you Lisa*