You just never know what life will have in store for you. A few weeks ago, I discussed a little bit about dealing with postpartum anxiety. I had no idea at the time I wrote that post and shared about my experience, that it could get worse.
I always used to hear about people who struggled with things like postpartum depression, panic, rage, and depression. Never would I have thought that I would deal with the same thing that these other women did. It’s just one of those things, especially after having two wonderful postpartum experiences, that you don’t think will ever effect you. Like you can’t be harmed by such a monster.
I will be upfront and honest with you, this monster had me backed into a corner these past few months.
When I talked about it before, it was only at the beginning stages. Now, I am in the throes of it. I’m going to give a trigger warning for those who need it right here, because the rest of this might not be something you want to read.
Take it easy on me… this wasn’t easy to write.
The Reality of Postpartum Anxiety
It’s debilitating. It is something that I can’t even talk about to those that don’t understand it or have gone through it themselves, because when I talk about it out loud, it sounds crazy.
My anxiety has manifested itself as mostly health anxiety, thinking that I am going to die every minute from some unknown disease. When I wrote about WebMD making you lose your mind, I did so as a reminder to myself not to look at it, because I diagnose new symptoms in myself on a daily basis. For someone who used to never go to the doctor unless it was necessary, I have literally done a complete 180 degree turn around in my personality.
To be far, I have had a lot of physical things going on as well. Real issues that have come out of my c-section. But, the level of anxiety I have has only amplified those ten-fold.
I have turned into someone who I don’t know. There was a point when I looked at my children and thought to myself, “These aren’t my kids”, as if someone else has been living inside my body and I’m just a spectator of my own life being lived out by this shell of a person.
I haven’t been able to go to the grocery store because I’m too worried about being around that many people. Maybe something will happen to me there. Maybe I’ll just pass out. Maybe someone will hit me with their cart on accident and it will throw me into a heart attack.
I can’t hardly drive because I am too afraid I will pass out randomly while driving and get into an accident. I can’t enjoy my children because I’m too scared that I won’t be around for them every day, due to the unfounded disease that is going to instantly kill me that day.
I can’t even be around my closest friends or in-laws without suffering from some type of panic or overwhelming feelings of anxiety. Agoraphobia’s got nothing on me.
The physical symptoms turn into what feels like a heart attack. My throat and face feels like it is numb on a daily basis and it always feels like there is a gigantic lump in my throat. I have hand tremors that never end, headaches and fogginess that fill my every day, shortness of breath every minute, and panic attacks so severe that I get throw into a sudden fit of tears. I just know that I have some form of cancer just eating away at me.
I have been tested for every medical explanation under the sun. But I still have to talk myself out of my own thoughts when I am so convinced that I am going to die in my sleep, or just pass out when I am home alone with my children, or that I have cancer somewhere that just suddenly appeared.
It sounds insane… I know. But these are real thoughts and real physical symptoms that I have personally.
For Those Struggling With Anxiety
Don’t let it be a stigma that you cannot talk about. It is too often that people struggling with things like panic and anxiety don’t speak up to anyone about it because it’s embarrassing, or seen as weak, or something that no one will understand.
IT IS NONE OF THOSE THINGS. Speaking up to my husband, for the first time in my life, and making myself vulnerable, has really helped pull me out of things that I otherwise might not have come out from.
Plenty of other people go through it! I have been truly blessed with the women that have come forward in my life with similar issues going on. Some of these women are my family members who have shown so much love and support to me. Others are women that I haven’t really taken the time to get to know fully, by my own fault, but that have spoken to me and told me of their struggles. We pray together, we send verses and uplifting thoughts to one another during the days, we check on each other to see how the day is going. I don’t know where I would be without that.
“In the multitude of all the anxieties within me, Your comfort delights my soul.” -Psalm 94:19
Don’t go through it on your own. People may not understand, but that’s okay. There are others out there that know EXACTLY what you’re going through and that want to tell you, “it will get better”. I don’t know that myself yet, but it has to. It may be something that we battle each day, sooner or later the battles won’t be so difficult to win. Find your safety net. Mine is found in God who rescued me from my lowest point. He has also given me wonderful support in loved ones and true friends. We all need that.
We all can’t be 100% strong, 100% of the time.
*Here’s to those that are struggling. May they be uplifted and feel safe in the support of those around them*
Thank you for being so vulnerable and transparent because it is in those moments that others know they are not alone in their struggles. It also provides some healing when we realize that we ourselves are not alone as others respond with similar stories of struggle.
Love you! Thank you for being such a huge part of my support system.
This is a great article and comes across as so genuine. It is amazing how common it is to suffer from this condition but there is still such a stigma attached to it. Thank you for speaking your heart
Portia Lindi mogale recently posted…New Blogging Home
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree talking about it really helps. I had a lot of anxiety about my babies getting sick and didn’t like having visitors over with my newborns.
Melissa (Wading Through Motherhood) recently posted…Dealing with Your Baby’s GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease)
As someone who took psychology in school and has Generalized Anxiety disorder, postpartum issues still have me baffled. Why can someone be okay for two births and then not? It just doesn’t seem fair. As a result of my anxiety, I had some postpartum issues (fortunately I was working with a postpartum psychiatrist before having my kids because I was high risk). Just my few issues were very distressing. I can only imagine what you’ve gone through. Especially when you logically see you are profoundly blessed, but you can’t just snap out of it and feel profoundly blessed because of the sheer panic. I REALLY admire you for writing this. I think it is incredibly brave to put your thoughts into words. I also think it will be incredibly powerful to have written them down. You are amazing for going through this and being so strong and so aware ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you so much Alana. It really is crazy to me that I haven’t had to deal with it before, but now it’s just coming on full force! Sigh… I am just hoping that it gets better soon.
I have had anxiety before but nothing like whaf you describe. I’m very sorry and hope you feel better! It’s probably helpful for others who suffer from this to read and know they’re not alone. Best wishes!
http://www.HometownQueenBee.blogspot.com
Thank you!
I am so sorry I totally relate in so many ways. I had severe ppd and anxiety with my last pregnancy I had thoughts no mother should have. I had to go on drugs, but even now that i am weaned off the meds I use 2 T of Flax Oil every morning in my shake. It has changed my world you might want to look into it. I will keep you in my prayers.
<3 AMee
Like flaxseed oil? Message me lady! I would love to hear more about that.
Oh, Joanna, I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are so strong for sharing this. You are so right about the stigma that surrounds it, but for every person like you who share her story the more the stigma shrinks. I remember learning about PPD, anxiety, and psychosis at my last job and be worried about it happening to me. It sounds terrifying and I can only imagine what it must be like for you every day and I hope that things improve soon. I am glad, though, that you have found a community of women who can support you through this time.
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I can totally relate, as someone who had horrible PPD after my first daughter (and, thank God, it didn’t happen after my second). The importance is recognizing it and getting the support you need, either through a trained professional or from family/ friends who won’t be judgmental. Thanks for being brave and sharing your personal story. Cheers!
Thank you so much for stopping by! I really appreciate those supportive words.
Vulnerability is so hard but I really appreciate it. I haven’t struggled with post partum anxiety but I’m a naturally anxious person. You’re helping so many other by being open and sharing your story.
Aaronica (the crunchy mommy) recently posted…Cooking w/Crunchy Mommy: Apple Butter Recipe
Thanks mama! xoxo
As someone who works with children and teens who have anxiety disorders I really appreciate that you share your story. Only by talking about our experiences can we shed light on such an important topic.
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Thank you for opening up and sharing with us the honest harshness of dealing with anxiety and PPD. I’m so glad that you have been blessed with women who will come around you, speak Truth to you and support you in this time.
Rebekah @ Surviving Toddlerhood recently posted…Goals for September 2015
It is something that I wish more people would talk about. Thank you for stopping by:)
Such a hard thing for anyone to go through. Stay strong & hope all the symptoms lessen soon. Hang in there.
Theresa @DearCreatives recently posted…Photography Tips: Online Photography E Classes Free Event
Thanks so much Theresa:)
Thank you for sharing your heart! I wish I could give you a big hug but sending you lots of prayers and well wishes!
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Thanks lady! XOXO
Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m just sending you a hug right now. As someone who battles with anxiety and the fear of driving (who ive told no one about but my husband, my dr and now you) I understand what you’re going through. Prayer is what has gotten me through so much of it and im lifting you up in prayer. Prayer for peace, for healing, for calm… I;m glad you’re able to talk to your husband, mine has been a big support. Always here if you want to stop by noshandnurture.com and chat 🙂 Love to you girlie! – Mandi
Thank you! I am so glad you shared it with me:) It’s not an easy thing to talk about by any means. Lots of love!
Joanna, I admire your strength in writing this post. I am sure it was very difficult to put the words out there, but you are so brave in sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am sure this post has helped others who are struggling as well. Like Bev said when more women talk up about this issue, the stigma becomes smaller. I hope that you find your way through this difficult time. It is a big step to speak up and be able to reach out rather than battle it on your own. Stay strong and keep fighting through it.
Sending you lots of love and well wishes.
Jeannine
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As someone who struggles with anxiety, I really appreciate you posting this and putting yourself out there. Anxiety definitely needs to be talked about more to raise awareness and help people find ways to cope. For me, meditation, horseback riding and talking to others truly helps. Stay strong – I know that you will find easier days soon.
Emily recently posted…Probiotics, Kombucha + Yogurt, Oh My!
Thank you! I think finding coping methods and support is so crucial to getting through it.
Thank you for writing this post. I had to deal with postpartum issues as well, and it can be a scary feeling when you don’t feel like anyone understands. Sharing your story will impact so many people, *Hugs* It gets better 🙂