New Seasons and Loss

Hello!

It seems like forever since I have sat down just to write about what has been going on. If you follow me over on IG, you know a little bit more than the blog, because I just love connecting with you all over there and on IG stories.

New Season

We have officially been in Virginia now for over a month, and have been loving. Honestly, it is the best place I have ever lived and my heart is so full. The kids have been loving the outdoors, the city life and culture, and being so close to the beach. Their favorite thing is living so close to their cousins who they ADORE.

We live close to my extended family, and I am so thankful to finally be in their lives. My brother and sister are minutes away from us, and I cherish that so much.

Homeschool has been crazy, but the girls have been doing so well with it. We have had our really good days, and our really bad ones, of course. They both seem to be thriving in it though, aside from the fact that their learning styles are 100% different.

You can read more about our homeschool journey here.

Loss

Most of you know that we have four kiddos, our last being a set of twins. I wrote all about their pregnancy, birth story, and postpartum if you want to read about that.

In those previous posts, I shared a lot about the fibroid that I have, and have had for a while. It is something that I have dealt with for a long time, and it is now a problem.

I have gone to see seven different doctors about this now, most of them in Arizona when we lived there. I obviously never trusted any of them enough to attempt a removal of it, mostly because I didn’t feel like they were straight forward with me about what the surgery would entail, and the end result of it.

I recently went to see a new OBGYN doctor here in Virginia about it. To be honest, the news wasn’t good. However, I am so thankful for the doctor that he is and the person that he is, because I felt for a moment like I was talking to a father -figure, instead of a doctor.

He told me that there was no chance I could ever be pregnant again. I think I am still in shock about this, mostly because I am only 28 years old. I know that most people say that I already have four children, and so close together… why would I want more?

Well, you never know what can happen down the road, until the choice is taken away from you for good.

“No chance,” he told me.

The fibroid is about 15cm x 15cm, and my uterus measures 5 months pregnant because of it. It has caused more issues than I can count, and I have never done anything about it because I wanted to hold on to the idea of children and what I felt was my womanhood.

Now that’s gone. It is so big that it is essentially suffocating my ovaries, not allowing any sort of ovulation. I am anemic, because it causes such heavy cycles for me, and now it is creating more issues with my muscles and other organs.

The surgery, a vertical incision surgery, is the only option for me at this point. It is too big to handle any other way, and unless he sees something during the operation, a total hysterectomy is what is going to happen.

This means that my body will be thrown into menopause at 28.

28.

I know it seems like a logical choice for some, and it might seem like the necessary choice. For me, I see both, but I also see loss.

Now, I am trying to change my life view from what could be, to what is right now. I am trying to focus my joy on all of the children that I have, and mothering them to the absolute best of my abilities, because they are, and will be the only four babies I will have. 

I love them with all of me, but during this new season of excitement and love for our new city and our new life, I am also in a season of loss and grief, trying to combat this shock and accept what life is now. I have gone through the stages of grief and loss before, and I know that it is a process that you just have to allow yourself to happen, as the time comes.

By |2018-10-09T20:21:05+00:00October 10th, 2018|1 Comment

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One Comment

  1. Melissa Epps October 12, 2018 at 2:38 am - Reply

    Joanna, I’m so sorry to hear this news. I am sending you positive thoughts of peace and comfort in this difficult time.

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