Over the course of six years together and a little over three years of marriage, my husband and I have had four children together. Through all of the ups… and the downs, there have been a lot of things I have learned about marriage since having children together.
After the birth of our twins, I had a lot of emotional things to work through. Having a baby changes you as a woman, and that coupled with the exhaustion of parenting in general can really take its toll on a person. This, in turn, can have an effect on your marriage.
I spoke a little bit about this in a previous post, after really seeing first hand what a lack of communication and disconnection can do to a marriage. Now, I’ve really taken a step back and seen some of these lessons that have come up throughout my marriage and our parenting journey.
10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage Since Having Children
1. Communication is the key to a successful marriage: Listen, I will be the first to admit that I am hands down one of the worst communicators out there. I would just as soon choose to jump out of a moving vehicle than sit down and have a serious conversation about emotions <<shudders>>. But, if you aren’t talking about things, arguments will be had for no reason, things will get left unsaid, and it can cause some serious gaps in your marriage. Trust me, I’m saying this from experience.
2.. You can’t make assumptions about the other person or your relationship: This one is an ongoing lesson for me, because I would rather make assumptions all day instead of talking about it. But, assumptions will, as they say, make an ass of u and me. A blogger I adore, Good Enuf Mommy, wrote a fabulous post about 5 false assumptions in marriage that you should definitely check out!
3. You have to make time for just the two of you: With four children, this is no easy feat. I can attest to the fact that sometimes, I’m just too tired to even think about dating my husband. Or, I get the “guilty mom” feelings of leaving my children with their Nana for the millionth time. However, I have quickly come to realize the absolute importance of date night. Making time that is spent with just your spouse allows for reconnection, a break from your kids, and it helps you to see them as the person that you married in the first place, not just the person that helps you raise your children.
4. You have to do things that help you remember why you got married in the first place: This goes back to making time for just you two. Sometimes though, just a plain jane date night isn’t enough. You have to make things different and even find ways to spice up date night. I know the feeling of looking across at the person playing with my children and thinking, “What is this point that we’ve gotten to?”, feeling so distant from my husband. Take the time to change things up and really think about that person you married on your wedding day.
5. You have to pray together often, especially when things are hard: When I say “hard”, I mean like the point where you both are just sitting in tears because there it feels like there is no lower place to go. This could mean when the kids are all sick and screaming, when you hit a really devastating point financially, when you have a challenge come up in your marriage that you don’t think you can get through… stop, take a moment, and pray together.
6. Spouses are a team: Those kids will try to gang up against you. They will try to pin your against one another to get their way (mine do this often), and the tasks of parenting will sometimes make you feel like you disagree on everything. Some days (or every day), life will be hard, the kids will make you crazy, and you just don’t want to do anything else but sit down and have a drink. Have one with your spouse instead of by yourself! The key thing to remember is that in all of it, every task, every parenting decision, every crazy moment, you two are a team.
7. There will be times that make you want to quit: There are a lot of times where I think, “I didn’t sign up for this”. Marriage is hard and it takes work. When you add children into the mix, it makes it an even bigger challenge. You might not always be happy… but, that doesn’t make you a terrible person or an awful spouse, as long as you recognize those times and communicate with your spouse about them right away, instead of sweeping it under the rug.
8. Having children doesn’t mean not having any more fun: I can’t begin to tell you how many people have told me, “You should’ve waited to have kids. You can’t have fun together now.” For a while, especially in the beginning of our marriage when we were really young and really broke, I believed it. Now, thankfully, I know that this statement is beyond false. I have more fun with my husband than I do with anyone else, as it should be.
9. There is nothing quite like the relationship/friendship with your spouse: My husband is my best friend in the entire world. I have some really wonderful friends who I consider to be lifelong friends and a part of my family. Compared to my husband though, there is no friendship like that. I trust him with my life, I go to him with things before I ever do anyone else, and I talk to him about my deepest and darkest feelings, even when I don’t want to. We laugh together, we share the most special moments together, and it is a forever friendship that I cherish.
10. Having children is amazing and it should bring you closer than ever before: No matter how you become parents, the process of having a baby and raising them is a gift, pure and simple. This gift should bring you closer together because you both are raising that child together. That precious little one is YOURS to treasure, and this should make you look at one another with the utmost love and respect for going through the crazy journey of parenting alongside you.
*What are some things that you have learned about your significant other since becoming a parent?*
*Cheers to our spouses; the ones we have chosen to spend our forever with*
I agree about the communication. Sometimes I hate talking about issues, but I find when we do it lessens the tension down the road.
That is such a good point!
Wonderful post!! Communication is SO important along with mutual respect.
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Mutual respect is a great one!
What a beautiful family you have! Wonderful post. I love the part about making assumptions. I dont have children but I know I do that just in marriage with my hubby. I assume he is on the same page as me or has the same decision but luckily we have some great open communication so he is very comfortable telling me otherwise 🙂
Thank you! It’s so true… just with everything else in life, we should never make assumptions.
Our biggest challenge has been having any time together. With him working out of town my entire pregnancy and most of Audrey’s life, there wasn’t any time. I did everything I could to see him and bring Audrey to be with Daddy but at the end of the day, we were both too tired to even say much more than I love you. We’ve shot for one night a month that we HAVE to go out and do our best to not talk about parenting.
I love that! Date nights are so important:)
Aww what sweet babies! I agree with all of these. My son is 11 months old and my husband is still working on #2. Pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood really change a person.
It’s so true!
Great tips. #6 is a biggie in my house with a teen. Her dad just plain doesn’t say no. Which makes me the bad guy. But, I try to explain why I say no and stick to it. Super hard!!
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This is a very insightful post on relationships and marriage. I found that my husband and I need to make sure to spend time together and to do all those sweet things like writing notes that we did when we first met.
Shelah recently posted…Garden of Love and Flowers
I agree with all of these, especially making time for each other, communicating and praying. SO important!
I love this post and thank you so much for including my link in it as well. I adore you also 🙂 I love seeing pictures of you and your husband. You are just so sweet. No marriage is perfect, or easy. It’s about moving forward every day, one foot in front of the other until one day feels better than the next.
Great post! so many good points!
These are all so true! I especially like the one about spicing date night up. Just going to dinner together some nights won’t cut it. Especially when we are rushing to get the kids in bed on time. Long day dates work best for us and I look forward to spending afternoons with my hubby and doing random things together.
I love long day dates! Those are some of my favorite.
Can I just say I freaking love the picture of you two in the vineyard? Epic.
I really think scheduling the couples time is so important and kids certainly give us enough excuses to let that slip…but it’s important to keep on scheduling and putting your marriage first sometimes. Not all the time but sometimes.
Hahah thank you!
This post is fantastic and so on point- and how cute are your pictures!!?
Jenny recently posted…Activities for your 9-12 Month Old
Omg yes! Communication! That one thing can stop so many fights and misunderstandings. Marriage is definetly hard, but it doesn’t have to be 😉
I love this post so much. Joel and I just started making time for the two of us again recently and I can’t believe how big of a difference being together makes. And communication. Always #1. Joel is like you. He would rather get hit by a train than discuss his feelings, but when you have that one person who will listen and help you work through them, it’s a little less painful, right? Wonderful piece, Jo. Love love LOVE it and I love seeing the love you and your husband have for each other.
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Thank you so much lady:) It is absolutely easier when you have “your person” 😉
This is a great post! And assumptions are such relationship killers.
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I just had my baby and my fiancé and I are about to get married (we did thing s a tad bit backwards) but this article could not be more accurate. Communication is our biggest struggle that we have to work on!
Amen sister! We have six and life is good!
That is such a wonderful and true post. We are currently in one of those hard spots and going to church together and carving out time for just the two of us, is doing wonders for us. I think it is super normal in a marriage to think … what did I got myself into. But than you think about the person you married, look at your spouse interacting with the kiddos, and think … dang, I could not and do not want to do it without him.
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Church and spending time in our community groups at our church has really helped us as well:)
you are absolutely right. It is equally important to spend quality time alone with the spouse. I have seen my friend whose relationship with her husband suffered because they limited themselves to being parents only. Your suggestions are worthy to be acted upon. Thanks for sharing
That’s hard. It’s really difficult when you’re a parent, you can sometimes forget one another.
i am currently single with no children but in my sunday school class we were talking about this the other day. what i’ve learned from watching others is that even after having children i have to put my marriage above all else or it will be all about the children and when the children move out there won’t be much of a relationship anymore. so i’m learning to invest as much as possible in the relationship
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I loved this article so much! I am writing my own marriage series right now also. Your point of communication and getting back to what made you both marry in the first place is so important!
Joanna, you have such a gorgeous happy family! I love this post on marriage. Everything you say and suggest is true. Spouses should see each other as a team working toward common goals. Children add to the fun of a marriage in a very unique way. But it’s so important that couples put aside time just for one another. I know it’s often hard to do it as life is busy, busy, but the more couples invest in a relationship the stronger the bond becomes.
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So much truth in your list. I had to laugh at people that told you that you should have waited to have kids. Of course we hear the opposite, why did you wait so long? Sheesh!
We don’t do date nights, but actually prefer date lunches when our son is in school. Some couples get hung up on the hiring a babysitter and going out at night part when all they really want is sleep. day dates are fun too.
I love day dates as well! Those have actually been some of my favorites recently because I’m just so tired at night.
I definitely agree with making time for just the two of you. My husband try to do that at least once a month. You’ve gotta reconnect with each other, ya know?
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[…] really thankful, however, that I got to experience it because I have learned so much about myself, my marriage, and my children in this past […]