Lately, it seems like I am at war with myself.

There have been so many big things that have happened and tons of different paths that I have had to choose between, and some that I’m still trying decide on. But no matter what comes up, it feels like I am at war with my self and with my own emotions.


How do you win when you’re at war with yourself?

I have the type of personality that plans everything out months in advance. When I go on a trip, I am packed at least a week ahead of time. When I have am trying to make plans for an event or a party, it is planned down to the last intricate detail. When it comes to my girls and our daily lives, I have everything on a schedule and it runs pretty smoothly that way.

However, when it comes to me personally and the decisions I have to make about myself and the direction I want certain things to go, my emotions and my realistic thoughts battle it out.

Do you ever want more kids?

Should you tell people to “shut it” when they hound you continuously about having more kids?

Are your really going to spend all the money to get your doctorate?

Are people right when they say you’re being selfish going after personal goals when you have kids?

Are you putting all this time into blogging for nothing?

Should you listen to what everyone else is saying or do what makes you happy?

Do you sacrifice all personal goals for the things that your family wants?

How do you know if you should change your entire life for choice?

Do you listen to your heart or your head?

I mean, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know I am not the only person on the planet that struggles with these things. I’m sure that as you’re reading this, you’re thinking about some of these exact same questions that you’ve asked yourself multiple times.

No one else can understand what you’re going through when you try to make these choices. Even when I try to talk to the people who are closest to me about it, not that I am huge at sharing my feelings in the first place, they never quite get why the decisions are so hard. To them, it seems like easy questions and easy answers.

“You need to focus on your family only…  You don’t need a career… Your heart doesn’t last for a lifetime… Be smart about it, stop thinking only about yourself… You can just keep having kids, they’re so cute… You spend a lot of time blogging for not much return, why?… “

Sometimes, the things people say just make me want to freak out on the outside. Thankfully for everyone around me, I keep it all in my head.

So when you’re faced with all these questions, how do you know which path is the right one to take?

fork in the road

I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to answer that question. Both sides are going to have their own pros and cons, the wins and losses, and either hurt or help you. The trouble is when you realize that either way is going to forever change the way that your life works out.

The only way to beat yourself at your own battles, is to keep fighting them. Nothing is going to get solved by giving up when faced with a hard decision that you have to make. Not all of them are going to turn perfect or exactly like you want them to, but every decision we make is going to have a ripple effect on our lives.

It is never going to get easier to make the hard choices and there won’t ever be one answer that is going to be the end all or lead you down the path to the perfect and easy life. But whatever choice you make, do it carefully and don’t give up on something without a fight.

*Cheers to winning when we are at war with ourselves*

joanna at motherhood and merlot