It has been 10 months since the birth of our twins. Over those months, I have shared about my postpartum journey, about the twins as they get bigger and change, and about some of the things that I have struggled with since they were born, like postpartum anxiety. Not once, in all of those posts, have I been able to sit here and say that I am accepting the birth that I has negatively effected me for so long.
Some of you may be reading this thinking, “Why 10 months? You have healthy babies.” Believe me when I tell you that this has been the most trying and challenging 10 months of my entire life.
Accepting the C-Section I Cannot Change
My birth plan for the twins was to have a completely natural birth. That didn’t go over so well and the emergency C-section that I underwent in order to have our twins has stuck with me since then. From health anxiety, to be afraid to drive, to having nightmares and flashbacks, I was pretty much stuck in a constant state of fear and panic from the moment I left that hospital.
I went through the first few months in a compete fog. I honestly couldn’t tell you much about what happened during that time. I, being the stubborn person I am, refused to take any medication for my anxiety because I know that there are good and bad sides to that.
But, it was haunting me.
I blamed myself a lot for what happened. I told myself that it was a moment of weakness because I couldn’t stand up to the doctors. It was my “fault” because I should have stopped it. When it got to the point that it was effecting my ability to parent and causing a rift between my husband and I, I knew that it had to be addressed.
I finally went through something with my counselor called EMDR therapy. Now, I have been in school for psychology and professional counseling for close to 7 years now. I am at the very end of my degree and I have researched numerous methods of treatment for PTSD and anxiety, none of which sounded appealing until this one.
They use this form of therapy a lot to treat people with PTSD, something I would not admit I had until talking to my counselor. It is amazing how using something so non-invasive, and without requiring any medication, can really change how you see situations that are the root of your anxiety and trauma.
Until that point, I had never gone through in detail what happened the day the twins were born. I had never relived the details out loud with anyone. To be honest, I never thought that I would. But it was freeing! Even though she may not have gone through the same thing I did, saying it out loud to someone and allowing them to be there in that trauma with you, although it might not feel like it when you’re doing it, gives you a release from the terror and the triggers that are causing you pain.
So I told someone. I relived that day I had compartmentalized and buried.
I am so thankful that God put this situation in my life and has given me so many different outlets of support from it. There is so much grace that I have seen throughout all of it.
Now, I can finally say that “yes”, I had a c-section. No, it was not what I planned for. But, I am now the mom of two more beautiful babies because of it. So I can FINALLY accept that even though I didn’t want it, even though I didn’t plan for it, it happened and I am a stronger person because of it.
*Cheers to all of you c-section mamas out there*
Congratulations on your babies. So you had a C section it is all about the health of you and your babies.
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Aw. I can sympathize. Sometimes when things don’t go as planned we tend to dwell. The important thing is you had a healthy delivery!
There are so many aspects to pregnancy and delivery that you just aren’t warned about. Thank you for sharing your inspirational story. I’m glad to hear that you are working through your anxiety, it’s never easy! Congrats on the beautiful babies ?
Thank you:)
I also struggled with my C section. I found it a bit frustrating when people would tell me “but you have a healthy baby”. I understand that and am so happy my baby is healthy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be upset about how the birth went. I found that talking about it really helped and I have now com etc terms with it.
Totally agree with you! Thank you for sharing!
I love you. What a journey that you have been through! Thank you for your transparency and placing yourself in a vulnerable position and openly sharing your struggle and challenges.
I love you! Thank you for all of your support through this:)
I can only imagine your struggle. I too being stubborn and wanting things to go my way. Always wanting to be in control, but life is unpredictable. This article made me happy! it’s inspiring to see you working through those struggles and being positive!
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It is so easy to blame yourself. I think that is a instinct ingrained in the mommy brain. I didn’t have a C-section, but the truth is I was so vulnerable in that moment, I could have. I know you weren’t a first time mom when the twins came, but you were a first time TWIN mom. So, extra vulnerable. I’m glad you have found a way to give yourself some grace. You deserve it.
I also had an unplanned c-section with my first and now that I’m planning labor for my second it has drudges up a lot of feelings I forgot were there. In starting to write my birth plan, I realized that even though I was in a room full of people, I felt so alone, helpless and had no control of what was being done to me or my son once he was born. Even after, they took my son away for testing and cleaning and I was away from him for hours while I waited for a room in recovery. It was the most anxiety filled moment of my life. I remember asking the nurses and my family for him over and over and nobody would bring him to me. I waited for 2 years to conceive him 37 weeks and 1 day to birth him and then had to endure another 2 hours away from him after he was born. It was and still is heart wrenching for me.
I’m hoping the stars align just right for my little girl and I get the VBAC and the natural birth I want, but this time I am mentally prepare should I need a c-section and I have just made my wishes known to my OB that I DO NOT want to be separated from her the way I was with my son.
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I was just listening to a podcast about c-sections, and the emotional impact having an unplanned one can have (http://longestshortesttime.com/episode-71-a-childless-man-gets-a-c-section/)
I’m glad you found a therapy that has helped you work through this and the associated PTSD — which, from what I gather after listening to this podcast, happens more than I realized.
Thank you for sharing your journey — I hope that your sharing it helps others who are going through similar feelings. <3
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Thank you lady! I will have to check out that podcast.
All of my children came into the world via a c-section. I was really bummed about it with my son because I tried so hard to push him out (24 hours of induced labor & 2 hours of pushing – he did not want to come out!). Eventually I came to terms with it and made peace with what happened because it was what needed to be done for the safety and health for both of us. After that, the twins were a planned c-section because the doctor couldn’t recommend a VBAC after that first “unsuccessful” labor. I can totally sympathize with you, and I’m glad you can acknowledge everything now. All that matters is that you and those adorable babies are happy and healthy!
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I was really upset at first too about my c-section. In the end you know you did what was absolutely the best thing for your peace of mind and the safety of your children, and that makes you an amazing mother!
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I feel us on this one! I was all natural everything when I was preggo, even dyed my hair black since bleach was the most unnatural thing ever lol…. Well I ended up having an emergency c section as well. Total opposite of what I was planning. I was knocked out for my csection so my hubby and family even got to meet my daughter before I even woke up :-/ I was the last to meet my own daughter. I lived my first week my daughter was a live in a complete haze from recovering from surgery & being on pain meds and it bugs me to this day since I will never get that week back. I guess I shouldn’t let things I can’t change bug me, but they do :-/ in the end though we both have healthy little ones and that’s what matters 🙂 xoxo
It’s so easy to say that “yes, we have healthy babies”, but at the same time our emotional scars are still there. In my opinion, women should be allowed to mourn the loss of their birth plan if they felt like it didn’t go exactly as we planned.Hugs to you lady!
This is a powerful post. Things like this really need to be shared so many others are battling the same thing.
Thank you!
I can totally relate. I walked into the hospital with what felt like period cramps and was already at 7 centimeters dilated. I was convinced to get an epidural even though I didn’t need it, and after that shit hit the fan and my daughter went into distress. At 9 centimeter dilated I ended up with an emergency c section. The whole thing was so scary, to the point that it’s a huge factor in me really not feeling ready of even sure if I want another child.
It really can cause so much emotional damage. Big hugs to you lady!
None of my births were what I had planned or wanted. I think being out of control with the birth helps us to be better prepared for the many times things don’t go as planned in parenting.
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So true:) Thank you for stopping by!
Congrats on being an amazing mom, no matter how you birthed those adorable twins. That’s all that matters 🙂
xo
Lee Anne
http://lifebylee.com/
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Such a great post! I didn’t plan on an epidural the first time but I was scared by the end! All that matters is they are here and you love them!
I had an unplanned c-section as well and sobbed my eyes out. I still feel a little robbed but I just try and remember how it doesn’t matter. She’s here and thats what matters. I wrote about mine here: http://meandreegs.com/me-reegs-birth-story-video/
Love that! Thank you for sharing your story with me:)
A friend of mine gave birth to her son two months prior to the birth of my daughter. She had to have an emergency C-section and it was very traumatic for her. Even after hearing her story, I didn’t think about me having a C-section. It just wasn’t a possibility in my mind. Then my labor started and my daughter got stuck and her heart rate dropped. Suddenly, it was real to me that this was happening and I was going in for the first surgery of my life. It was scary and the pain after was unimaginable. With that being said, I did overcome the fact that it had happened and I knew the doctors had made the best decision possible for a fantastic outcome. I’m glad you have gotten to a better place about your C-section and have found a great treatment.
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I love hearing these stories because as women, we all relate to one another on some level 🙂
Pregnancy and delivery are so out of our hands. We have those wonderful plans and once it’s getting closer they are out of the window in no time. What really matters is that you and your precious girls are okay. I’m glad you finally have peace and are coming to terms with what happened and can heal. I only barely avoided an emergency c-section … and honestly – they scare the poop out of me.
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You are incredible. It has been such a journey to follow along on. I love knowing that you got to this point. I want to hug you, but instead I’m reserving a shot of tequila just for you. Congrats, mama. What a moment.
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We will have shots of tequila together one day Jules!
Oh mama, I am so happy that you were able to find a way to work through all of the emotional and mental weight in a way that allowed you to move into a good space. It’s amazing how much of what we moms experience of birth is of what happens to us afterward – physically, emotionally, mentally. Big hugs to you! XO
I’m glad you got some help feeling better about your birth. I had an unexpected c-section with my first and wanted to try for a v-bac with my 22nd. My dr. Told me I wasn’t a good candidate, so I had a second c-section, only to have a baby who was a full 2 pounds lighter than my first. Now I’m Prego with number 3 and hoping again for a v-back, but know that birth doesn’t tend to go the way we want it to. 🙁
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I am so sorry you went through this. Thank you for being open and honest about it. This will help others.
I too had an unplanned c-section and it wrecked me emotionally. I felt unworthy because I didn’t “give birth” as I wanted. It was a tough road. But I’m come to terms with it now. {{HUGS}}
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Sending big hugs to you lady! It effects everyone in a different way.
Thank you for your honesty and candidness! A post that will resonate with so many. I too have carried much shame over my own birth story. The first step to letting go is letting it all out 🙂
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You are very brave and wise. Big hugs to you momma!