You Will Be My Last Baby

I picked up my 11-month-old, 22 pound twin boy this morning. He’s walking now, and isn’t so much of a baby anymore. My heart hurt to think that he would be my last. But, as I looked at him and kissed his squishy little face, I was lead to say out loud:

“You will be my last baby”.

It’s hard for me to even believe that I am saying those words. My twins were my last babies…my little man, was my last baby. It’s something I have never admitted whole heartedly before. Something I never WANTED to admit.

last babyAfter I had the twins, something in me always said that they wouldn’t be my last. I know… I already have four little ones and people think I’m crazy for even saying that. But, I’ve always loved being pregnant and having kids.

With the birth of the twins turning out less ideal, to say the least, than I wanted into, my competitive nature wanted to have one more in order to end my births with a birth plan that I wanted.

Was that fair though?

I shared a little bit last week about how I had stopped enjoying motherhood. So, how could I sit there and still think that it would be fair of me to have another child?

It’s easy to sit back and say that maybe, just maybe, having another baby would “fix” the feelings I had about motherhood. It would help heal all of the wounds that had been created from my unwanted c-section. It would bring back the “old me”.

Listen, we all know that none of that is true.

While having another child might help to heal the wounds of birth plans that didn’t go as planned, like all of those stories you hear of VBACs that I just love to read, for me, it isn’t in the cards.

I have been blessed with four beautiful babies. As a 26-year-old woman, I see those four children and my marriage as some of my greatest accomplishments in life.

There are still days where I feel like I could continue having children. When other people announce that they are having babies, it’s like something goes off that says, “Your turn again!”.

I have always felt like I take after my mom in this way. She birthed 10 on her own, and is undoubtedly one of the strongest women I know because of that. I won’t be going to 10 though.

I know now that four is my stopping point. Four is the number that completed our family.

There will still be moments when I go back to this day and long for another baby. I will miss feeling and enjoying my baby (or babies) grow inside of me. I will miss the strength and pure euphoria that I got after naturally birthing my children.

But, we are done. That season of life is over for me.

So now, I am going to sit here and pack up some baby things for my sweet friend who is having her first daughter. I am going to be thankful when others have the chance to give before and become parents, grateful that I get the opportunity to be there with advice if they ask, and honored to be the mother of my four, amazing children.

To my sweet little Oliver, my only boy and my youngest gift, you will be my last baby.

*Here’s to all of our children, one of life’s most precious gifts*

joanna at motherhood and merlot

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  1. I’m glad you’re coming to grips with what happened during your last kiddo’s birth–because it isn’t about HOW they get here. It’s about GETTING them here.

    I’m coming from the other side of motherhood–the part where you need to think about launching them into the world. I have a 17 year old, and yes, I’m freaking out about letting go of him, but kids just get more fun as they age. Don’t be sad that your babies are growing up, be happy that they’re turning into amazing people.
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  2. Not having had kids I am not in touch with some of the feelings you share but I can only imagine. Having just been at the graduation of two of my best friends kids it was brought home how fast it all goes. Treasure every moment.

  3. We are done too… In the military, we travel too much and we would have to cut trips to see family the more kids we had. We each had a son and then we had our daughter together. It was perfect. We waited about a year to make the final call, but I knew when she was born (we didn’t know the sex til then) that she completed our family.
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  4. It’s interesting, I feel like I’m almost in the opposite boat as you. I know I want another baby, but as the mom of only one right now, it makes me sad to think about her not being my baby one day. Obviously she is no longer a baby anymore, but right now it’s just the two of us so much of the time, it’s hard to imagine having another little person there.
    Beautiful piece, Joanna, and thank you for your candor once again! <3
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  5. So bittersweet. I know I don’t feel done but after a difficult pregnancy and birth, I may be so I treat these days with my daughter like it could be the last time I get to experience them. It’s happy but oh so sad at the same time.

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