I am going to be pretty open with you for the next few minutes…

I am scared to death of this twin birth experience.

It has always been in my nature to avoid the doctor unless absolutely necessary. I don’t like taking medications unless it’s a “must”. I can’t stand being told something might be wrong with me, so “do this just in case”. No. I’m not going to put anything into or have anything done to my body unless it is 150% imperative that I do.

Going into my other two births, I was completely prepared and ready for whatever was to come. I had a birth plan laid out that basically said I want the bare minimum (aka NONE) amount of medical intervention.

There was literally no part of me that wanted pain medication, medical help or even an I.V. when giving birth the first two times. Not that I think there is anything wrong with any of the above. Personally, I just wanted to be my birth experiences to be as natural and free for my own body to control as they could be.

They were both just that. The first was a lot more traumatic than my second in that the staff was a little bit more… pushy about wanting me to get some medication for pain and to speed the process along. The second was calm, quiet and wonderful.

Now, at the prenatal appointments for the twins, I talk to my midwife about how different the birth process may be. She has delivered all my kids and I am so thankful that she is wonderful and tries her hardest to advocate for my wishes. But with multiples, it’s a slightly different story.

twin delivery

Twin Delivery Fears

While there is still the chance that I can deliver naturally, they almost always want to give you an epidural and hook you up to all of these things in case they have to do an emergency c-section. They also might just schedule a c-section anyways if just one of the babies is turned the “wrong” way.

I know, I know… they are doing all of this for the safety of the babies and the mom. I’m thankful for all the medical interventions that are available today in case something were to go wrong. But, I also know that people were delivering twins without the availability of a c-section for many years. A large majority of them had healthy babies, even if they weren’t both head down for delivery.

I may be a bit bias to the reasoning behind babies being head down. See, I was born breech… butt first. I came out bent in half, mooning the world as I arrived. My mom had me (plus 9 other children) completely drug and intervention free. I obviously get my natural birth desires from her:)

I’m not scared of pain, or worried about how hard the contractions are going to be. None of that freaks me out in the least bit. What does scare me is a drug being injected into my spine that does not allow me to feel. The control freak in me HATES that. Plus, I get anxiety when I am pinned down and feel like I can’t move. Hello, aren’t c-sections just that?

Women have had so many c-sections over the years and I know that they aren’t some extremely risky procedure. But, that doesn’t change the fact that being numbed and stuck on a table where I can’t feel and can’t control what’s going on doesn’t terrify me to the point of tears.

“God is in control. It’s all about what’s safest for the babies.” That’s what I have to keep telling myself because it is the only thing keeping me sane thinking about it all.

On the outside, you wouldn’t even know that I was petrified of these things. I go into natural  birth like it’s nothing because to me, it’s something my body is controlling and doing naturally, and I have no fear in that at all.

Thankfully, the midwife that has helped me deliver all my babies in the way that I wanted is so reassuring and helpful. She told me that if what I want is to deliver these babies naturally, then she will do everything in her power to make that happen. She also let me know that I have much more say and control in what happens then I think I do, which made me feel SO much better!

My midwife always tells me she wouldn’t have ever guessed that I was worried about anything since I always seem so calm in our appointments. It has always been much easier for me to mask my emotions then to be the woman that’s flipping out in her prenatal appointment, walking out in tears or something. But, that the anxiety I have is completely warranted considering the circumstances.

Now, if I can just get through all the worries I have about the actual pregnancy itself… one step at a time I guess. I am prone to worrying about everything unfortunately.

Have any of you had a c-section, medical intervention or even twin births? I would really love some advice… and some prayers:)

*Here’s to admitting to and overcoming our fears*

joanna at motherhood and merlot