Does anyone else feel like this at times?

depressed mom

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom, just like I always knew I wanted a career helping children. I just love kids and from a young age I knew that I wanted to be like my mom someday and have a family of my own.

Now, I have four children, with the birth of our twins a few weeks ago completing our family of six. I have four beautiful, amazing, wonderful gifts that call me “mom”. It is a complete blessing to watch them grow, to have carried them, and to have the opportunity to be their mom.4 kids under 4

I love my children with all of my heart.

But…

These past few weeks, more so than the other three years I have been a mom, I do NOT feel cut out for motherhood.

It seems like everything in the world has been going wrong. One episode of crazy after another. First, of course, it started it out with the birth of the twins and the unplanned c-section that really threw me who being for a loop. Physically and emotionally, I still do not feel like myself even weeks later. The recovery part of that really made my first couple of weeks as a mom of four extremely difficult, but I figured it would get better eventually.

Can I just pause for a moment and say how much I hate when people say, “It’s okay, it will get better”, to me? Hate. It.

Anyway, as the weeks have gone on, my feelings of being an inadequate mother have come and gone, but they haven’t gone away for good. My toddlers, ages 3 and almost 2, have been having a hard time adjusting to all of the newness that has been going on in our house. It is only recently that I have had the energy to try to help them work through the emotions of change. Sadly, it seems like something I should’ve done weeks ago when we first brought the babies home. Just another way I feel like I am lacking in the mom department.

We have also had family visit, which kept the older girls happy and occupied with loved ones, and it gave me a glimpse into sanity. None of my own family lives near me, so to have them come visit is wonderful, but to have them leave again is heart wrenching. When I have them here to help, I have extra hands to hold a baby or extra eyes to see if someone is misbehaving when I am not looking myself.

Now, during the week when my husband is working, I’m alone again with my four children that I love… but I find myself wondering daily if I going to be able to handle this new-found title of “Mom Of Four“.

Does this mean I’m not cut out for motherhood?

Just in the past week, I have battled with colic symptoms in the twins along with their non-existent sleep schedule as of late, a 3 (going on 13) year old that thinks she’s older than I am and proceeds to argue with me on everything, and an almost 2-year-old who copies her sister, who had a severe case of pink eye and viral infection, and who gets into anything she’s not supposed to.

I don’t mean to complain. I know this is just the daily life of a mom and there are plenty of parents out there who have to deal with more than I do. This though, it’s hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be.

I have had friends tell me that they think I am “super mom” or some version of superwoman for doing all of the things I do, and still being able to look put together when I leave the house.reality of motherhood

I am here to say that I feel nothing like superwoman and nowhere near to the title of “supermom”. Not to mention the fact that I, in no way, shape or form, have it all together. I feel like a complete mess of emotions, loneliness, and loss of self. It is not a pretty picture in reality although I know how to put on a good front.

It feels like I am not doing a good enough job as a mom to all of kids, especially my oldest two. I’m trying to bond with the twins while they are babies, but that takes a ton of time away from the older girls. My three-year-old isn’t getting prepared for preschool work (Even though she is very intelligent for her age, and I’m not just saying that. The girl knows her stuff.), because I don’t have the time right now to sit and teach her. Plus, I feel like I am causing my middle child to actually become “the middle child”. As a someone with degrees in psychology and counseling, middle child syndrome is a real thing… and I’m failing as a parent for watching my daughter slip into that mold.

I knew there would be bad days and that it wouldn’t all be easy. I wasn’t expecting some perfect little family with children that never got sick, never talked back, never fought, never cried all at the same time… I’m a realist. I know better.

What I didn’t know was that I would feel like my world turned upside down. Gone are the days of having it all together. Gone are the days of leaving the house to run errands, because with these four kids that is insanity! I don’t always feel like cooking the most healthy dinners like I used to, because they usually take more thought and effort. I don’t always spend as much time reading to my kids as I should, and Netflix has become a saving grace/babysitter at times. It’s also a good thing my husband loves me unconditionally, because I put no effort into my appearance aside from a shower, on days when I am not going anywhere.

This is the reality of motherhood.

Not to mention, I have been dealing with some crazy anxiety and hormonal imbalance issues since the twins were born… which has really taken it’s toll on me physically and mentally (more on that later).

So, because I feel like everything is out of control and that I am lacking as a parent in pretty much every department, I have this nagging thought that I am not meant to handle these four children that have been given to me.

I know that we sometimes we are given more than we can handle on our own. Prayer at the beginning and end of each day brings me back to the reality that I may not feel cut out for it, but I will get through the bad days and there will be plenty of good ones to make up for them.

I’ll be doing a post in the next few weeks about my battle with postpartum anxiety and panic issues, plus all of the hormonal struggles after delivery.

*Cheers to not feeling up to the task some days, and to retaining our sanity in motherhood*

joanna at motherhood and merlot