I knew going into the delivery of my twins that anything could happen, but I had tried my best to be prepared and to be educated on all of my choices.

I had read everything about delivering (double) breech twins, and I had even switched doctors at 36 weeks in order to do so. But at 10 centimeters dilated and ready to push, our little girl twin decided to kick one foot out. Just one…

The only way that my doctor would not attempt a vaginal delivery.

It was in that moment that my choice was taken away from me. I knew that I could say no and just try to push them out, but at what cost? Was my choice a higher priority than her safety and the safety or her twin brother who would come after her? No, it was not.

I quickly realized that my birthing choices, that I had written out and planned for the past 9 months, were gone. It was the end of that road, and the start of another that I was traveling down blindly.

Travel concept. Cracked asphalt and curve road.Road lines

In that moment, I no longer had a choice. I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks.

I battle with this daily. I have flashbacks of that moment in time when the doctor looked at me and told me I had to be prepped for an emergency c-section. I still have nightmares of every moment of that day.

I sat there helpless, being wheeled away while my husband had to stay behind. No one was there to hold my hand or to tell me it was okay. I only had my thoughts, my babies, and the prayers in my head crying out to God to get me and the babies out of this safely.

They did. We have two healthy, beautiful babies now. Nothing major went wrong during the surgery, and I am here spending every day with my four amazing children. Something that I more grateful for than I could ever express.

wound

But, I also spend every one of those thinking about and mourning the loss of my choice, trying to repair myself emotionally, and praying that I feel like myself again physically at some point.

I battle daily with this day, trying to tell myself that I didn’t have a choice, that there was nothing I could do to prevent the choice from being taken from me. The anxiety that I now combat with every waking moment of my life is a constant reminder of all this.

It’s easy to fake a smile when people congratulate me on our twins. I am thankful for their congratulations, but the reminder of that day always comes with pain.

When I hear anyone talk about the fact that people get c-sections every day, and women should just be thankful that they have healthy children, it crushes me. They don’t understand that for some, for those that had no choice especially, this seemingly simple “procedure” has a debilitating effect.

babies birth

It’s true that birth is birth, no matter how it happens. But, that doesn’t take away the fact that it is hard. It doesn’t devalue the choices that every women should have in her birth experience. It does not diminish the pain, both physically and emotionally, that you have to recover from as a woman.

I write this not to get sympathy, but to create a voice in the fact that it is okay to grieve in these situations. Thankfully, you are not grieving a loss of life, but there is still a loss that took place.

This day, the day that my choice was taken away, has left me forever changed.

joanna at motherhood and merlot